It looks like some of us will be hunkered down in our homes for a while because no one on the planet knows how to wash their hands. In honor of the coronavirus quarantines, I thought I’d offer a few pointers on how to make the most of working from your own casa.

  1. Ignore whoever sends the group email at 6 am on your first day of quarantine. They are a dirty liar. They have got up and emailed everyone in an effort to intimidate you. They are back in bed and you should be too.
  2. Belligerently email friends back who say they wish they could be quarantined at home because they would love to work in their sweatpants. Explain to them that you have a lot of writing to do and it’s quite difficult without the resources you keep on campus. (Besides, who wants to wear sweatpants when you can just keep your pajamas on?)
  3. Every time non-academics ask you about coronavirus, correct them and call it COVID-19. When they say “COVID-19,” say coronavirus.
  4. Wonder if you should go into campus anyway because the parking will surely be awesome.
  5. Dole out an automatic “A” to the student who writes you the first question about how the rest of the semester is being graded. Tell them you will follow Dr. Smith’s lead putting all the pressure on your colleagues.
  6. Dust off your failed grant application #3627; the one where you were going to Crispr’ing Nano Particles of Uranium as a Means to Weaponize Bats. Write your program officer and demand emergency funding for this project that will save humanity.
  7. Realize that one upside of the apocalypse is that you can do your weaponized bat experiments without protocols.
  8. Break out full PPE that you brought home ‘just in case’ and wear it as you go through Starbucks. Say something salty like, “I guess you haven’t gotten then news” when you drive off. Tip well because you’re sort of a jerk.
  9. Refuse to stock up on toilet paper because everyone in science knows coronavirus virus is not a GI virus.
  10. Ask Twitter for thoughts about public health outreach using the #AcademicChatter hashtag. Watch long simmering feuds erupt as physicians, scientists and wackaloons disagree on their advice. Side with the wackaloons.
  11. Run out of toilet paper.
  12. Remind all of your non-academic friends about your credentials. Be sure they remember no disaster movie is complete without some goofy science person and that’s you.
  13. Wonder if you are going to be the person who didn’t take warnings seriously enough.
  14. Write blogs for Edge for Scholars.

Good luck and don’t forget to buy toilet paper!

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1 Comment
hemorrhagic fever of the week says:

How can I send you all of my papers, that I now have time to write, on the effects of nano particle weaponized bats echolocation strategies in northern China? 

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