1. Have a 6-ft “yard” stick.
  2. Crave a face-to-face faculty meeting.
  3. Started painting so you could watch it dry.
  4. Are tempted to put the contents of the pantry in your car and drive across the country.
  5. Last bathed ≥ 72 hours ago.
  6. Have run out of printer paper or toner at home.
  7. Searched for craft ideas to use empty TP rolls.
  8. Organized the junk drawer.
  9. Doubled your online shopping expenses.
  10. Discovered Slack is your new best friend.
  11. Rolled all your spare change.
  12. Fight off family members to get to walk the dog.
  13. Started a new social media account despite prior resolution to step back.
  14. Collect COVID-19 memes.
  15. Lego bits are more than an inch deep on the floor.
  16. Ran out of laundry detergent.
  17. Used FaceTime with your parents for the first time this week.
  18. Nagged your coauthor who has had the draft for 8 weeks.
  19. Have visited all of the museums, zoos, and aquariums in the country without leaving your zip code.
  20. Loaded the entire trunk of your car with library books.
  21. Actually read the stack of old alumni magazines.
  22. Started writing haiku.
  23. Cry when you think about your closed gym.
  24. Color-coded your sock drawer.
  25. Filed your 2019 tax return.
  26. Watch ESPN with no content.
  27. Talked to Aunt Edna for a whole hour.
  28. Have ear-bud irritation from video and conference calls.
  29. Are on a first-name basis with Kon Mari.
  30. Ran out of 5,000-piece puzzles.
  31. Hope that liquor stores are considered a “life-sustaining” business.
  32. Retrieved all the petrified gummy bears from under the couch cushions.
  33. Organized your 22,657 photo files.
  34. Skim PubMed for the effects of excess caffeine.
  35. Wonder if the baked beans with a use-by date in 2015 are still OK.
  36. Know the names of all the anchors on your favorite news channel.
  37. Clipped your nails, the dog’s, and are eyeing the in-laws’ feet.
  38. Got makeup tips from your teenager to look better on webcam.
  39. Feel compulsion to go to grocery store just to see what’s there.
  40. Have a schedule for toilet paper inventory.
  41. Spend time changing ringtones out of boredom.
  42. Stole one of your children’s coloring books.
  43. Regret the number of people suddenly available for meetings.
  44. Actually consider your pet a coworker.
  45. Found and set up an old bird feeder.
  46. Packed 27 boxes waiting for Goodwill to re-open.
  47. Hope your barber will borrow a FedEx uniform to make stealth house calls.
  48. Calculated total volume of liquor/wine in house and divided by estimated days of captivity.
  49. Untwisted the blow dryer cord just for kicks.
  50. Can’t face another doughnut.
  51. Started to stress about the ratio of the pile of library books read:unread.
  52. Regret owning 10 pairs of slacks instead of 10 pairs of sweatpants.
  53. Get a little jolt from just the word “quarantine” in the Microsoft Outlook automated email message.
  54. No longer use the treadmill as a clothes rack.
  55. Put a piece of plywood across the tub in order to soak and read for hours (away from the kids).
  56. Fear the hair apocalypse.
  57. Eat the Beyond Burgers that have been in  the freezer for months.
  58. Capitulated to a new pet from the animal rescue.
  59. Are completely caught up on university compliance training.
  60. Have planned a one-child-at-a-time Easter egg hunt.

Add new screening criteria in your twitter feed with #socialdistancingsyndrome or tag @edgeforscholars. We’ll retweet and include in post.

Ten or more of these symptoms suggest a serious case of social distancing syndrome. Clinically validated tests are currently not approved. Use caution in selecting appropriate treatments.

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1 Comment
Mary Yarbrough says:

This is hilarious.

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